watch me run with it

So I totally found my oldest brother's old rubik's cube. Family heirloom? Sure...
I'm pretty excited that I solved it. I can cross it off my list now. I added it a few weeks back. I discovered a new set of patterns that're fun; I can alternate between two crosses with stripes, H's, and partial dots; the only problem is I don't remember how to get into or out of it...

I want a perfect soul

I'm pretty sure I did something productive today. I think I figured out the chords to "Creep." It didn't take me too long, either. I think (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) E 3 A 5 D 5 G 4 slides up to E 7 A 9 D 9 G 8 then E 8 A 10 D 10 G 9 and lastly to E 8 A 10 D 10 G 8. Maybe I'll cheat and look up the tab...it's probably in some other more difficult key. Yuck.

You're only as sick as your secrets

I got a cool book in a Christmas gift exchange thing. It's called postsecrets; it kind of started from a website that displayed secrets people mailed to some address. Some are quite startling, while others are just funny.
"I waste office supplies because I hate my boss."

there is comfort in the sound

So, I promised my 6 year old niece that I would play a computer game with her from one of the websites she likes. I felt bad because it took me forever before I could play with her. She kept coming upstairs to see how much longer. When I finally came down, she wanted me to play this game for her. It's called giga ziga maze, and it's for kids. At first I was trying to make it look hard so that she wouldn't feel dumb or anything, but it sincerely took me 6 minutes and 43 seconds to finish the last round. As a nineteen year old college student, I found it surprisingly frustrating. Maybe I'm just not coordinated.
She left. I should go play. :)

O du fröhliche

It's definitely Christmas here and not in Utah.

It's so weird being home. I was so tempted to run around my house taking pictures of all the startling things. First, I have lots of clothes. Second, I have lots of things. Third, my room seems huge! I totally forgot these things.
Also, lots of things have changed. My room is a pleasant tan color, and the bathroom is a very light blue. I think it had primer on it for a few years before I left. I took a detour to explore David's room before my own and complimented his sheets/quilt thing. It had moose on it so I assumed he had helped pick it out, but he informed me that it was new to him.

I was so excited to find things. I think I'll list them:
Herbal Essence shampoo
face lotion
comfy black stretchy pants
comfy snail socks
books!
baking staples
the softest blanket in the world; no really. I'm going to try to convince my mom to let me take it out to prove myself right, but I'm afraid she won't let me now that it actually matches the room.

I opened the drawers to my desk. I don't know why I did; I had emptied all but one of them before I left, but I found some curious articles. First I found a mysterious, unopened package addressed to me from Toshiba. Next, I found a drawer full of fortune cookies mixed with a few bank statements. I know this sounds strange, but I think my parents put them in there for me; they used to bring me them back when they got Chinese and the like. I decided to explore my future; I broke open a cookie and read its contents: "Sing and rejoice; fortune is smiling on you." Okay. Can I say that I accidently left for Provo with a drawer full of dead light bulbs?

This one time I found some old journals; I found reading them somewhat bothersome (partially due to some mistakes of grammar, some more grevious than others), but useful.

Is it wrong that I was excited? Last night I researched like mad, and at first it worried me, then I started to fancy the idea that maybe not everything is my fault? I'm not going to lie; it was an appealing but dangerous thought.
Sometimes I think being optimistic is scary.

It's weird to think that I'm so far away from Provo.

Um, Merry Christmas!

I'm -so- picking upset with myself. I totally got bored last night waiting for Carolyn to call so she could spend the night, so I slept. I missed three calls; I figured my phone was on silent, but sickeningly it wasn't. Stupid itunes. I shouldn't have left them on. Now she leaves at 8 and I'll get to see her for a second when she moves her stuff. For the record, I hate breaks. They're full of nothingness with one good day. SAD DAY.

The worst is over

"Dave doesn't seem so awkward now. I think I've become more awkward. Don't you think I'm more awkward?"
"Are you kidding? I've known you since you were a beehive."

You need them just to get by

In my hoboing around, I've managed to leave behind my coat, a pair of pants, a hoodie, a t-shirt, my BYU ID (complete with meal plan), my keys, and my cell phone charger. My cell phone is dead. Maybe somebody will stop by and conviently interrupt my "studying."

I forgot how cold "my room" is.

Piano playing was enjoyable. Sometimes I wish I could play a decent song. Or play a song decently. But then I remember I'm just happy to be playing.

In other news, I'm still alive. Who knew?

sleep is highly overrated.

So this one time Carolyn and I hoboed around to her cousin's place in Wyview where I discovered that her cousin and I have the same Book of Mormon teacher and that I have a paper due by 8am today. Believe it or not, this is good news. It'll give me something to do with my morning.

I need a hobo blanket. I keep having to borrow pillows and blankets. The blanket tonight is very pink and quite fragrant...quite fragrant.

I realized something yesterday. While I have a week before I go home, most people are going to be gone very soon. This is pretty sad. It's going to be really weird to go home. I have two friends I'll probably try to see, but maybe not. Beyond that, it'll just be the parents and my brother. So quiet...I wonder what if I'll like it now.

I randomly got two aphthous ulcers (canker sores) the other day. I used to get them all the time, but I haven't gotten one spontaneously in years. "Researchers generally believe that stress or tissue injury may cause the eruption of canker sores." One of them may have been caused by rubbing against a tooth, but the other one definitely could not have. One healed, but I could swear the other one is getting worse. I also burned the roof of my mouth directly behind my teeth pretty badly. Brushing my teeth has been a little less enjoyable recently.

Sometimes I wish I had insights to type about. I used to philosophize all the time about stupid little things that didn't matter. It was quite amusing at times. I think I lost my ability to do so when I decided to screw up my life. Now all I theorize about is how I need to fix it. Boring! And amazingly self-centered. I hope when I go home I'll gain a greater appreciation for other people.

I think the snow makes a very satisfactory noise when I step on it. It was packing pretty well today. Somebody built a small snowfort in Wyview; it had a small door. Carolyn said it was better than mine. She was obviously wrong, though. I have half a mind to go stomp on it now just to prove my point, but that might be taken as malicious.

I don't feel like writing my Book of Mormon paper, hence all the nothingness.

At some point in my life, I would like it explained to me why somebody chose mistletoe to serve the purpose it does. I mean, I understand that desperate romantics have and always will exist, but why mistletoe? It's a little bit on the ugly side if you ask me. But then again, who would ask me?

I can't wait to see my cat again. She's funny. She's like this big furry fat thing that is really happy when you pet her. She gets all relaxed and grateful. It's actually cute. I used to have another cat, but she wasn't quite like that. She would get happy and psycho-excited if you pet her. A lot of cats just don't like to be pet. When people ask me if I like cats, I have a hard time answering. That's like asking if I like all people. I think I like cats about as much as they like me - maybe less. People I like more. Is that backwards?

Today I learned that some vegans don't eat yeast.

As if you had a choice

Thursday I was invited to go see/obtain Carolyn's ring. It was pretty amazing and exciting. Sometimes I hang around them so much, I wonder if I'm getting married, too (but not literally). I think they're too accommodating to me; I hope I don't wear them out.

Friday I'm positive I had a small fever. I was in the Canon Center in a T-shirt, and I felt so uncomfortably warm. Ruthie said I was warmer than her; this is a definite first. I was excited, though I'm not sure why anymore. Ruthie thinks I'm crazy - for real. She said so Saturday right before our O-Chem test. It was a little disconcerting. I told her about my pricking my finger to become blood sisters with Carolyn (or, to have my AB+ RBCs attack her O- RBCs), and Ruthie said everything was related, and she worries for my sanity. I thought Carolyn and I were just being goofy, but apparently only crazies do stupid, childish things.

Speaking of stupid, childish things, we played in the snow Saturday. It was pretty fun. We went through my cell phone and called all my Provo friends; none of them came, but Carolyn's friends did. That's when I remember why I keep Carolyn around; she has friends.

I built a snow fort. It was about 5 feet tall before people tripped me over it repetitively. I also tripped Carolyn - for real. The highlight, though, was when Jen and I ran towards Carolyn and Kym after they had jumped in the snow. We pretended to be about to jump next to them, so they just laid there. Meanwhile, we ran up and kicked snow in their faces. A positive experience for sure.

I think I'm sick. This one time I was tired of being awake, so I curled up on Mike's couch and laid there. I was so conscious except a few short times when I would suddenly jerk because I felt like I tripped. Then I feel asleep. It was sad because I woke up an hour and a half later. I lost an hour and a half. It made me sick. If anybody wants to kill me, I think tonight would be an ideal time to die.

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

Hm. I had weird dreams. I missed German today. I went back to sleep and dreamed I missed my BOM class, too.
In a different dream, I went to some indoor park thing and invited some people. My niece and nephew were there, which was exciting. I invited Colton, but I felt kind of bad because I kind of ditched him. We were all hanging out in some weird-shaped lobby place that he didn't know he was allowed to go in. There were grilled cheese sandwiches, too - with spices. I accidently spilled some parmesean cheese in Brianna's drink (Brianna from sophomore year?!). The place where the kids were playing had a low kid's fence that wasn't sturdy. While talking to William, I accidently broke it a few times. Later, I was outside walking around and saw what appeared to be my bishop in a group by a giant playground figure. I asked him if I could take his picture, but then I realized Jules was with me so I introduced him as my bishop instead and asked Jules if he didn't look like the boss. He didn't act like my bishop though, and I realized he actually had curly hair. His friends seemed to think it was funny, and I thought he probably wasn't my bishop. I simply ended the conversation and left, but they were still kind of chuckling. I told Jules I didn't think he was my bishop, but he had kind of guessed that, too. Somehow we were on a very tall playground equipment thing. So, here are two curious things from the next part of my dream: there a difficult spot on the structure on the way down; in my head I figured it was dangerous, but it didn't make me dizzy, and I didn't think I was going to get hurt. Then, I went down a slide that connected to another piece of equipment close to the ground. For whatever reason, it disconnected while I was in it, and the end of the slide lowered itself to the ground. This wasn't frightening; I found it amusing and sent a "go figure"look up to Jules. It's not that big of a deal, I just don't remember sending humorous looks to people in dreams. In fact, I don't remember being aware that people read my facial expressions. I probably just haven't remembered enough dreams, though.

She says we will make it now

Guess what! I'm so excited. I definitely got a toothbrush. I now have a home/traveling toothbrush, a DT toothbrush, and a Ruthie toothbrush. Nobody will ever know how happy this makes me. I have to confess, I did not enjoy Ruth's toothpaste. It is way foamy. Renae's toothpaste is about the best I've ever had. I think someday I will kidnap it. ...Or buy some.

I lost 5% of my grade today because I forgot a ticket stub, and I wasn't allowed to run back for it. I was pretty upset at myself.

This one time I called Carolyn with the intent to complain to her and have her berate me for being dumb. I told her that. But somehow I got no rebuke. She was in a not so great mood, too. I felt pretty guilty for complaining, so I told her we should stop being dumb and be happy. I saw her later and she reported success. This made me happy. Also, I was thoroughly amused when her roommates came to see her at work with balloons and congratulations for her engagement. They offered to help her move out. How kind. My roommate did the same. We have such helpful, caring roommates. :)

I decided I had become pretty self-absorbed. I bought Renae some goodies. Then Carolyn. Then Mike (but he doesn't know this yet). Then Ruthie. Then David. I saw some frosted animal crackers, and I remembered having a conversation about them, but I randomly couldn't remember with whom I had this conversation. I asked Carolyn, but she couldn't make up her mind between herself or Jules. We decided that it had been a group topic (excluding Mike) and were satisfied. Then I told Ruthie, and she totally thought that it was her. I'm so confused. I ended up giving them to Ruthie because she was somewhat convincing. I'm starting to have second thoughts though...

Through a pin hole

I think I had decent grades until last week; I kind of fell apart. I don't think I can fix this one.

I think I fell down to somewhere between safety and physiological. I think maybe I was supposed to stay in Bowen. Oops.

The past few weeks I've been finding myself increasingly annoying. I don't think I can overlook this much longer. I'm so close to giving up and just being shy again; I'm starting to question which way makes me happier. I think I need a home, an identity, and some self-respect. All in good time.

This one time I was walking around campus, and my heel kind of hurt. I decided to check on it to see if I was getting a blister, and there was definitely blood all over the back of my pants. Why don't I notice these things?

I type 33 wmp one-handed. I think I type faster when I don't watch the screen.

It really bothers me that this post is so negative. Today I'll have to look extra hard for funny things. Like the irony of the first sentence of this pseudoparagraph - even the fact that it bothers me is negative. Amazing.

I think I should camp out at Renae's tonight if she doesn't mind. Maybe I'll bring her food or some other form of goodies as a form of rent. I think I've given Dad enough time to mull over the idea of me moving off campus. I'll call him today. Hopefully I won't seem all biased, but truth be told, I am a bit bias. I just need a new start. Again. :) I'll plan it out like summer. That worked well. I'm excited. But yeah, I'm not biased...

the cuteness

Oh my gosh! I miss them!
It's my sister's album of my niece and nephew. I can't believe she lost teeth; I remember when she got them in the first place. I feel so bad I never wrote them...

Whatever makes you happy

Today I have made massive expansions to my music library. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little neurotic about songs, so we'll see how this undertaking goes. As of yet, I've developed a new, more efficient way to store my music. I was about half-way through changing to a different filing system, but I think this will be better. My ultimate goal?
1. Have all music organized by artist in folders under My Music > itunes.
2. Have consistent artists (ie. not two separate artists "Beatles" and "The Beatles" or "snow patrol" and "Snow Patrol").
3. Make sure every song has its correct artist, album, and title.
4. Make sure all lyrics are good enough for my taste.
5. Devise some clever playlists.
6. Even out my play counts a bit.

This may take a bit.

This week the trend

This one time there was no episode of the Office today. :( Happens.

This other time I started watching Heroes...and didn't stop. It's not like I have anything better to do, right? Hiro learns English in the future. Cool.

Anything but signals that are mixed

I came home today. I ran out of clothes. I was so excited to see my closet.

My roommate and I had what I thought to be a casual normal conversation. The same kind we've always had. I don't know what this means.

I was wondering at what point chapstick becomes a necessity. Is it when one's lips feel dry occasionally, when they become rough, when they hurt, when they are visually disturbing, or when they bleed?

I stole - I mean downloaded - more Ben Folds today. I'm pretty pleased with my selection.

I've been rude these past few days. It makes me sad. I think I was secretly frustrated. I won't be a brat anymore. I promise.

I can make my text small. YES!

Today is most definitely Office day. I'm excited. Next week is even better; it's supposed an extra long Christmas episode. Oh, yes. The future is looking bright.

Today:
long car rides
long showers

Just another lemon tree

This one time I recieved a call in my chemistry class from Katie, my RA. She thinks that we should talk. She's friends with my roommate, and apparently I came up in casual conversation. I have an appointment for 9:30; I'm pretty sure I'll just move. I don't mind because I don't really have friends in the ward beyond Carolyn and Hailey.

I've wanted to live off campus, but my parents freak every time I bring it up; however, on campus housing is full. I think the timing is pretty bad, too, because, according to my housing account, my dad just paid for part of winter semester. I'll wait 'til after our little pow-wow. I would be sickly nervous, but I kind of want to move anyway. I kind of expect people to not like me, so it's cool.
I'm just naturally disinclined to tell my parents that I -have- to move because my roommate doesn't like me. I think they'd think that's dumb or feel like it's their fault I don't have skills. Sometimes I don't like being right.

Today I went with Matiko (Hailey) to the creamery, and they had eggnog ice cream. I practiced my cone-eating skills.

I went to my classes. I was -tired- in chemistry; it could be because I hardly slept, but it -may be- that I'm sick. I think there'd be nothing better than if I got sick and couldn't take finals. Then, BYU would have to refund me my money, and I'd take the exact same classes next semester. It'd be amazing; I could skip all the time.

I found a time where I still stutter quite a bit. I had to say a prayer in German today during class. I read the one I had prepared, but I couldn't make the sentences or words flow. That's okay. I think it's just a completion grade.

Today the desktop pulled up, and I couldn't get rid of it without clicking on something. It's something in the bottom right corner.

Heroes is supposed to be online for free.

Now to kill 3 hours.

Today:
being an active part of a group
Fruit

You could be happy

This one time I told Carolyn a large portion of the things I don't tell people. Then, I got home, and I had a note from my roommate asking me to move out winter semester. Then, Carolyn got ditched and Mike wanted to talk to us about his visit to the health center. I spent a good portion of my day feeling sick.

This one time over summer, I occasionally said that I thought people hated me. Ruthie eventually told me I was being paranoid and that I should work on that. So this one time, I thought my roommates hated me, and then I learned that I was right.

This other time I was starting to figure out how amazing it can be to have friends. I admitted to Ruth and Renae that my roommate wants me to leave. I even let them read the letter (it's pretty long). I think I felt pathetic enough that the letter didn't make me feel much worse.

I'm actually somewhat optimistic. I decided to use this as a catalyst to try and figure out how to fix this thing that's been bothering me a while. Maybe I'll actually get this worked out right and feel better.

So, I'm staying at Ruthie's. I felt like a hobo, walking around campus with my bags looking for a place to sleep. I found hot chocolate here, which was happy. This kind of hot chocolate uses milk, which is exciting because it tasted good still. This means I did really well on my calcium intake today. I was thinking that maybe if I desensitized myself to hot chocolate with milk in it, then shifted slowly to chocolate milk, maybe someday I'll be able to stand milk. Or, maybe I should just buy some calcium supplements.

I'm not sure how I feel about being so exposed and openly embarrassed. Wait....maybe not good. :)

I really want to do things better. I really do. :D

This one time my roommates told me to move.

I want to hear you laugh like you really mean it

There's this awkward space of time from when church ends to when my other friends get out of church that Carolyn typically uses to take a nap. I think naps on fast Sunday are cheap, but I secretly wish I hadn't slept quite so much last night.

My room is actually messy. Typically when my room gets messy, it has some sort of theme, such as clothes or school. This time it's pretty much a little bit of everything.

Carolyn and I decided to learn the bass (an octave up) and tenor parts of Christmas songs. We thought it'd be fun if we had two guys: one to sing bass and one melody and made an unorthodox quartet.

I feel I need to make a confession. As some of you might know, I have been using a bit of lotion lately on my legs after shaving. I realize that this goes against all I have professed to believe. I will make no excuse for myself; I am ashamed.

We're having a naughty santa of sorts at break the fast today. We're supposed to bring something junky for it. I wish I had known about it ahead of time; I would have bought an ipod. I think I'm going to sacrifice my punching balloons. I'd better get something good; I was definitely saving those balloons for a special occasion. I must admit, I was tempted to bring that dumb Cosmo's hat Carolyn left at my place. Boy, wouldn't she be surprised...actually, that could be funny. If only I were more bold.

I have to go make "soup" with the roommate for break the fast. We're making a fancy French soup called top ramen. It's an experimental flavor called beef chicken (2 parts beef, 1 part chicken).

Today:
Doing well in school is always a plus
Being a double agent
Stories. I like having stories to tell and things to say.

Today I failed at life.

Today, I woke up, and I realized I had a lot to do. According to my mental schedule, I was to wake up at seven, shower, meet at the library at eight, work on the psych project, somehow miraculously conduct a stat experiment, do psych homework, finish statistics homework, study statistics, go to statistics, go to psychology, do our presentation, take my statistics test, relax and have fun in the evening.
When I woke up, I knew I wouldn't get everything done. So, I called Kat and asked her to postpone the psych project until one. I don't know why that made sense in my head.

Wow. That was boring.

This one time I got a 95% on my statistics test.

This other time I got a 90.

This last time I got a 59 on the multiple choice (weighted) section of the test.

I do this thing where I want to make sure I can do something.

Today in psychology, I decided that it'd be pretty fun to figure out how to not be afraid of heights. It's something that doesn't really bother me to figure out because it's a curious matter. I don't feel like I brought it on or that I want to hold on to it. It just seems like something simple. I don't know much about it, but I think it'd be fun to try to figure it out. It's so curious.

I have to go to world of dance. I must remember to buy world of dance tickets tomorrow.

I'm excited to watch Benny and Joon tonight. So excited.

I have to say, this is such a boring post.

I'm at the computer lab in the Cannon center, and I don't feel like going home. It's cold. I'm sitting next to the heater.

This one time Carolyn got mad at me and wouldn't share her pizza. I bought a slice from Tomacito's.

Today:
visitors
my hat
Carolyn falling - amazing. If only the world could have seen what I saw this day.
(My real list might be on my laptop at home)

Maybe I'm crazy

I'm pretty sure Sam is faking sick or at least being lazy. My other presentation partner really has a migraine. She was going to ask if we could do our presentation first because she felt really sick, but I told her to go home. I hope our teacher asks us to go a different day, though I said it'd be fine if I did it by myself. It's nice to feel helpful, I just hope I don't blotch anything.

Those three words are said too much

This one time I was a bit frustrated. I gave Ruthie a time frame (3-7:30), during which I could definitely work on the statistics project. Ruthie said she wanted to finish her English paper first. Around 4:30, I called her, and she was still working. I went in search of water balloons and thermometers; they didn't have either at the creamery. I called her and told her so. She said we'd go to Walmart, but that she was going to finish her paper first. I reminded her that I needed to finish before 7:30, and she spazzed telling me that this was school and it should be given priority. I guess that's correct, but I did technically give it priority - or rather, I gave her priority - all afternoon. I asked if there was a time tomorrow that we could work on it, but I just didn't fit in her always tight schedule. I thought she was being rude, but as much as I thought so, I felt like I was rude for not helping her tonight. It does seem unfair. She worked all day on her English paper and therefore had to work on the Statistics project by herself, but I had asked her to do this really quickly first. I just feel really bad, and sometimes I don't know if I should or not.
From her point of view, she has more work, more responsibility, and I get to play. It's a small crime, and I got no excuse. Is that alright?
I really wish I could walk to Walmart and do the experiment for her. That way, we get grades and maybe I could redeem myself in Ruthie's eyes. Maybe I should call Mike tomorrow. I'm getting desperate. Every time I try to redeem myself for Ruthie, I think I fail.
I think I've degressed. For a while during summer, I didn't feel the need to be timid. Now I'm less outgoing (oh, if you could have seen me in summer), and I act more awkward and indecisive. If I don't quit this game, there's going to be a consequence; this rule will be enforced once I think of a punishment. :)

Oh, dear. I really have to get World of Dance tickets. This one time it was part of my grade.

I think I'll skip sleeping tonight. I'll work on statistics homework.

Oh snap! I almost forgot:
Ice skating
People who are having fun while around me. As in, they aren't wishing they had better company because they either like what they're doing or they don't mind hanging out with me.
Games - especially games where I can be rough, cheat, or laugh (or all three...)